photo by Lane Hartwell http://www.fetching.net

First thank you dinner was a smashing sucsess. Except I had 3 sips of wine too many and talked for a teeny, tiny bit too long. But it was interesting. The donors came. They had critiques. They had compliments. Complaints. They were interested, inspired and hungry. They ate everything and went through my underwear drawer.

The next thank you dinner will be probably after the election. I have now like 430 people to thank and feed.

This blog is me stalling because I can’t write about all the other stuff because it’s just too many words right now and I have a feeling that the world doesn’t need more words tonight… it needs something else. But it’s definatly something that I don’t have.

I’ve learned more in the last week than I have in the last year of my life.

I’m about to explode.


Great night…


Well. Where does one start? The ‘debate’ was well done. You can probably see it somewhere online. I’ll post it somehow. Everyone sounded really good. I hate to say it, but there were 7 or 8 people on stage that could be great mayors of San Francisco. I got some yucks in, did the East Coast posture thing like nobody’s business. I answered some of thier questions… sometimes, I answered other things. I was the only candidate that did that. I mentioned, in my closing statement, that San Francisco “Wasn’t a bunch of Zombies”. Boy, was I wrong….

photo by Lane Hartwell

Here is the debate deal. I’m talkin’, Gavin’s laughing. 30 second answers. NOT easay. I aced. It was fun.

photo by Lane Hartwell

This is what was waiting at the exit. 400 zombies. Cops. Security. Screaming. Panic. It was real. Peope were freaking out. There were so many zombies, that you actually couldn’t see through them from the exit of the library. It was awesome.

photo by Lane Hartwell

The gaurds pulled down the gate. Nobody in. Nobody out. People were screaming from the inside. It was kinda intence for a minute. I barely got out….

photo by Lane Hartwell

…only to be turned…

Photo by RockBandit

We loaded the undead on the bus and zombied around the Marina, looking for Gavin’s after party. We invented Zombieokie. Which is kareokie with zombie grunting. That was a great night in my life. One of 10.

Thank you San Francisco.

Zombies Invade San Francisco!

URGENT ALERT: Thanks to Professor Grenzfineski’s recently installed EEW* system, we have detected a sudden upsurge in undead activity throughout the city. Another attack is IMMINENT.

But rather than passively wait in fear, we are striking back! With the Professor’s assistance, a zombie homing beacon has been hastily assembled and installed at the Main Library’s north-western corner on Larkin Street, by Fulton.

Location on Google Maps: http://tinyurl.com/2xoj6u

This device will be switched on Thursday the 11th, at PRECISELY 7:30pm. Once activated, the undead hordes will be unable to resist its pull, and will gather immediately at its base, where we will attempt to neutralize them before they can once again terrorize our fair city.

NOTE: Great care must be taken with this operation, as a San Francisco Mayoral debate will be taking place in the Main Library. If we are unable to contain the zombies, it is highly likely that they will turn their attention to the hundreds of citizens exiting the debate at 7:45, whom, though disenfranchised, are not disembrained, and may thus prove irresistible to the shambling cerebrophiles. (Thankfully, zombies DO NOT attack or otherwise harass innocent bystanders. Their moans and sheer numbers are more than horrifying enough.)

Once the zombies have successfully been contained, we will transport them via bus to a secret location, where they will be provided with complimentary “embalming fluid”. Further updates and general Zombie Mob guidelines can be found, as always, at:

For reference, the basic zombie mob rules are as follows:

1. Zombies will loose the sense of smell. In fact, the only thing they can sense is Duct tape. If you are wearing duct tape on your torso, the mob will attack you, ruin your clothes, eat your brains.
2. Zombies will not get blood on innocent bystanders or their things.
3. Zombies will leave private property reasonably soon after being asked.
4. Zombies who don’t exhibit these behaviors will be beaten into shape by their fellow horde.

And the basic schtick is:

Show up at the meeting point on time. Arrive dressed as either a zombie (fake blood, torn clothing, vacant stare) or a zombie victim (place a piece of duct tape somewhere visible upon your person, and wear clothes that you do not mind having torn and bloodied). Act like zombies. Attack and “convert” victims. Shamble where the mob shambles. Have fun, but be respectful of innocent bystanders and private property.

photo by Scott Beale

Thursday the 11th, 6:00 Main branch of the public library

OK, so this is it. This is likely the only debate that Gavin will do with any of us. We get 30 seconds to respond to a question. So maybe 10 questions. 30 seconds to answer. No introduction. This is it. This is the draconian approach to a ‘fair’ election. This is so rigged it’s absurd. Gavin refused to do it if any TV stations were there. We got cable. No cameras, no video. Nothing. It will be like it never happened. The Chron will write about how Gavin answered ‘tough questions’ and how Grasshopper made fart noises. This whole thing sucks. But it’s what we got. It would be great to see a bunch of you in the crowd. We encourage you to come early and get in line, so you can get a seat. We will provide entertainment and refreshments to our people in line. Please let us know that you are one of our people by raising your hands often and declaring that you have a head injury. “I have a head injury.” as we walk by with snacks and drinks. If for no other reason then to get other people to proclaim “I have a head injury.” Somehow that’s funny.

I’m kinda bummed. This is the extent that we are even acknowledged. It’s really hard to get anyone to even notice you, forget hear what you say. This politics is dirty business. I should have guessed. It feels good to know that you can still be naive about some things.

The show starts at 6:00. We are recommending getting there at 4:00 or so. It’s over at 7:30.

There will be a surprise waiting for you when you come out. Please participate.

This is what a few of the others candidates paid the $5,000 for.

It would be great to have your support there…

chicken john


photo by Lane Hartwell

No wonder why the SF Bike Coalition didn’t endorse anyone for mayor….


Here is a city vehicle in the bike lane in front of Gavin’s house.

Here is the SF Bike Coalition wrap up. Read it and weep…

We did an in conversation thing last week. I was showing them my fan club.

photo by Colin Hussey

you can listen to the conversation here:


photo by Lane Hartwell (fetching.net)

So this is a letter to people who donated to my campaign. Just so everyone knows, that total was around $38,000. I first asked for money on the evening of August 6th. The last payments dripped in on the 28th late in the evening. So it’s 21 days. $38,000. That’s $1,809.50 a day. Compared to Gavin’s measly 1.5 million over the last 2 years that he’s been traveling all over like a buzy beaver raising for a daily total of $2,054.79 a day. If I would actually get the matching funds I have qualified for I’d get another $84,000. For a total of $122,000. Or a daily take of $5,809.50. With almost 500 individual donations, if you use the polling tool that Gavin uses that one person represents 100 constituents, that means that I’ve got at least 50,000 people on my side. It would seem that I’m polling better then he was 4 years ago.

But it’s all so petty, really.

I seem to have qualified for the funds, but they are refusing to give them to me. The problems are many. The Ethics Commission is not really bending over backwards to solve the problems. But that’s understandable. I’ve kinda been having trouble with the beaurocracy part since the first day. I got that form to put the signatures on. I put it on my website as a PDF. The Election people freaked. They send me a demand that I take it down. They said that you can’t do that. Not without writing a letter. I wrote them a letter asking permission to embrace technology. 3 days later the form was on Gavin’s website as well. I asked if there was anything I should know about accepting PayPal donations. They said it was fine. I asked other candidates who have received matching funds they said it wasn’t a problem.

It’s all a problem. It’s like a giant problem. Actually, pretty much all of it is nearly impossible to navigate. If you’ve moved in the last few years, you likely can not give money to a candidate and qualify for matching funds. Period.

But there’s good news. We found so many holes in the Ethics Commission that we slice it thin and put it on bread and call it Swiss cheese. There is so much ambiguity surrounding this that there is no way that they can just say we didn’t qualify. And the really good news is that it all now HAS to be fixed. They are going to have to clean up this mess and make it so that other people can get this money. I’m going to help them help themselves. I’d like you to help as well….

Please come to a lunch thing tomorrow @ noon at Southpark and enjoy some delicious ROAST PIG. We roasted a pig for our lunch tomorrow, great for photo ops… we invited the Mayor and the press… and YOU!!!! Our fabulous donors. We took out a full page ad in the Weakly to make sure everyone knows and I think that it will be great for the press to ask all of you how you feel about not being able to give money to a political organization but you can still vote but it won’t really matter because the press has already announced the winner and the winner of the next one. I guess I should have invited Camilla Harris to lunch as well. Anyone know her? Tell her to come on down!

Next Monday at 5:30 the Ethics Commission meets at City Hall. We are likely going to have to ask for an appeal. I’d like to extend an invitation to all of you to come down and see the wheels of justice grind to a halt when I stand in front of the Ethics Commission hearing and explain to them that the definition of ethic is the science of morals. I am comforted that there opinions don’t matter. It’s a good thing. I think they’re all appointed.

The real tragedy here is that this has be consuming time. A lot of it. I haven’t wanted to commit to what kind of campaign this was gonna be until I knew what the budget was. I gotta know if I can get bailed outta jail, ya know… but it looks as if we are going to proceed as if we are not going to get the funds. Which is OK. We just can’t afford all that top shelf booze and the limos I was planning on hiring. And the chamber orchestra for the losing party at 12 Galaxies on election night… but I’m getting ahead of myself here….

I have yet to properly thank everyone for the amazing outpouring of support. Astounding. Mind numbing. Dumbfounding. I can hardly believe how many there are of you. I’m having a thank you dinner at my house on the 17th of Oct. please RSVP if you can come. I’ll have another one closer to the election. Thank you all so much. I hope I’m doing a good job. Well, there’s not much to see right now, but trust me it’s coming….

Below is the press release. Feel free to forward this on to other press contacts you may have.

Press release: Chicken John 415-215-1632

Lunch is on You! (well, on my donors at least…)

Yes, we’re going to have a picnic on Tuesday Oct. 9th @ noon.

We’ve invited Gavin Newsom to come and talk about Public Financing/ Matching Funds.

It sure is hard, maybe even impossible to qualify for public funding. It seems possible they were not going to give them us no matter how hard we tried.

Our style of campaigning is not the usual paint by numbers style.

I guess we rubbed somebody the wrong way when we ran for second, promised to not win and then showed a constituency of 50,000 people.

We’re the silent majority.

San Francisco is a place of art. For artists. It’s an inarguable platform.

My garbage can disappeared last week.

Please come speak to a few of my donors. You’ll know them by the yellow armbands.

At SouthPark. Tuesday. Noon.

Here’s a full page ad I took out, page 84 SF Weakly this week:
SF Weekly Ad

Power haircut


So I decided that I didn’t have a chance in politics without a power haircut. My hair’s best years were in the 80’s. I had some dumb hair. Check this out:


… or how about this one:


That Mohawk that I was sporting (in this photo a tender 16 years old) was dyed every color of the rainbow, but before digital photos you had to pay money for film. Living in a squat in a freezing NYC winter I had better things to spend what little cash I had on…

But the hair really makes the man. Truly. And with my hair migrating like collage artists from Soma, well I’m bound to be nobody pretty soon. It’s a weird thing, this losing your hair. I kinda like it. For the first time in my life, I look my age. No wrinkles yet (not one) and I could probably do a sit up or 2… but for the most part I’m looking all of my 39 years. Holding well. But I needed a miracle. So I went to Edgardo Chacon. I was looking for a miracle.

I was referred to Edgardo by the popular website Yelp.

Edgardo is a Columbian from NYC. His accent is amazing. The Columbian accent is my favorite. Regal. Defined. Unapologetic. In many ways it’s better English then any of us spout, and it’s way more fun. Funny. Sexy. Emotional. Edgardo is cool. We talk about the old days in NYC: Danceteria, Save the Robots… we were there at the same times. He was pensive but interested in my Mayoral run. And kinda confused. He told me: “I’ve been cutting Gavin’s hair since he was 24. He’s got good hair.” I concur. If I had Gavin’s hair and H. Browns smarts, why, there’s nothing that could stop me!

But I digress. The cut was pricey, but they gave me an asian smock and a glass of vino… it’s got a good view as well. The Kamalaspa. 7th floor on Union Square. As I looked out over Union Square, I remembered the Santa’s meeting there in ’95… before they changed the park and made it into the hidious debacle that it is now. That was a fun night. Edgardo is kinda a master with the scissors. Grace, skill and poise… he snipped and snipped and then: Voila!!! It was amazing.

Here is the before shot:


Photo by Lane Hartwell

Here is the after:


Photo by Lane Hartwell

IT’S A MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you, Edgardo. It was tons of fun.


Tom Ammiano filed as a write in candidate and took Willy Brown to a run off. Today, no one filed as a write in candidate. And today was the last day. Actually, the 23rd was the last day. That’s this Sunday, so someone could argue it, if’n ya wanted to file on Monday. So if you were here 8 years ago, today was that magic day. 22 year old Dot Com billionaires were buying Porches and throwing banquets to impress chicks that just got their braces off. The value of arcade sized video games went through the roof because every office need one or 3. The housing bubble was being inflated. Live/Work lofts were being invented. The bay bridge just went up to $3. Fire spinning was still kinda cool. The Burning Man was on a pile of haybales. Clinton was president. Solar power was something ‘in the future’. Green was a color. Terrorism was something that happened in Beirut. The dollar was worth more in other countries. A lot more. Tsunami’s were things that happened in history. We were concerned about the Y2K bug with computers. Livin’ La Vida Loca was a hit song. Prince’s 1999 was on the raidio constantly. Apple released the blue and white Power Mac G-3. Columbine. Napster debuts. World population reaches 6 billion. John F Kennedy Jr. flies his plane into the ocean. You still knew people who said “I’m never going to get a computer”. Cell phones were uncommon.

That was 8 years ago.



Toilet paper…


As I was wiping my ass this morning I had a revelation. I didn’t get music swelling or anything… but I did nibble on epiphany. I thought of how I did it. How I wipe my ass. And why. Now, I know *why* I wipe my ass… but *how* do I know to do it that way. There are likely a bunch of different ways. You can be a folder. A buncher. You can be a looker or a dropper. A dabber or a smearer. Girls are taught to go from the front to the back. On and on. But I’ve never seen anyone else wipe their ass. I know that each and every one of you do; but I’ve never seen it.

How do we know what we know?

How do we know, even, that we do, indeed, know what we know? Are you wiping your ass better than me? Do I do it differently then everyone else on my block? I mean, I’m likely doing it the way my mother taught me 38 years ago. But who taught her? Her mother? In the 30’s? Who learned in the 1860’s in Europe? We just jumped 150 years and across the Atlantic to before toilet paper in 3 jumps. Huh? Yup. Toilet paper is new. Started in the 1850’s. Fascinating subject. Wikipedia has some details, but there are piles of information about toilet paper out there, if you can’t sleep.

But I’m not running for the toilet. I’m running for Mayor.

try chicken!

Photo by Lane Hartwell

So I’m forever thinking about and examining what it is I’m doing. Why. How. What is the most effective message. And this morning, I was thinking about approved methods of running for mayor. Platforms. Issues. Propositions. Initiatives. All these things that people are talking about are all the things that people talk about at this time. 4 years ago I watched everyone I know become an expert in politics by spending 3 hours on SF Gate in mid November. Yes you did, don’t lie! I did it too… I just want to eliminate the whole politics as usual thing and embrace a more experimental format. The resistance to that is, of course, crushing. But how do we know how to run for public office? Really. Resistance to innovative thinking is the most deplorable thing I can think of. It would seem that running for Mayor is an act of subversion. Could be worse. I could be as boring as some of the other candidates… or I could be wasting your time by trying to win. It actually could be way more fun to do it this way. And likely is a better chance of winning, by refusing to do anything that would achieve that result. Chaos is like that.

We are doing great. We re-filed our matching funds document yesterday. It was a mess the first time. Paypal kinda changed it’s product and that was weird. But it’s all worked out. We actually were able to file more money this time… over $27,000. There was some stuff we didn’t get in last time because of last minute donors. So much work. Hopefully we’ll hear in the next few days that we got the match.

In the meantime, I’ll be doing endorsement meetings with the SF Bay Guardian today, and tonight with the Bayard Rustin LBGT Coalition. I am very interested in the whole Citizens for Halloween thing this Saturday at 1PM at the Eureka Valley Recreation Center in the Castro. I’ll be on KSFS this Saturday morning at 10:00 or so.

Every time you wipe your ass, think of voting for me for second place. It’s easy: Chicken John for #2!!!!